With the renewed wave of self-quarantine caused by the resurging COVID-19 pandemic, I found myself thinking about how lonely life will be in Tokyo in the coming months. There’s no clear end in sight and new infections are continuing to surface worldwide. It’s apparent that things will most likely get worse before they get better. Given the gravity of the situation, I think it’s important to be aware of how loneliness and mental health can impact our daily lives, in Tokyo or elsewhere. With the prospect of Seasonal Affective Disorder coinciding with the immense stress of current times, vigilance and resilience are precious resources.
*If you are currently struggling, especially with suicidal thoughts, we highly encourage you to contact the crisis hotlines in Japan.
TELL Japan Lifeline: 03-5774-0992 (9:00 am–11:00 pm)
Befrienders Worldwide: 03-5286-9090
Table of Contents
- My Loneliness is Killing Me
- How is Loneliness Born?
- The Many Causes of Loneliness
- Solving Loneliness
- Helping Yourself Out of Loneliness
- Other Resources
You’ve probably heard before that loneliness has been on the rise in the digital age. This is especially true in places like Tokyo, where life is inextricably linked to social media and technology and where documentaries on suicide and lonely deaths reveal the dark underside of the city.
People are given hardly any room for themselves after work and study, so social lives become the easiest thing to go without. This is just the reality of the fast-paced, workaholic culture of central Tokyo.
In Tokyo, where the non-Japanese population is only about 2%, it’s not the easiest to find a community of friends, especially if you don’t speak Japanese. Even if you decide to keep to non-Japanese circles, it’s still a struggle to find a place you fit in. Add in everyone’s crazy work schedules, work-life balance and personal space needs, and you’ll be hard pressed to find time to meet with friends regularly.
My Loneliness is Killing Me
Over a decade of ongoing research confirms what we learned from the 1998 hit “…Baby One More Time” – loneliness is killing us.
A quick Google search and you’ll find out that loneliness comes with a laundry list of health risks, the least of which is that it can become self-sustaining.
To start, lonely people are at greater risk of developing neurodegenerative diseases like Alzheimer’s and more vulnerable to heart disease and diabetes.
Loneliness can also dull your social senses. It causes you to see shadows in the corner of every social interaction. It causes your mind to repeatedly review millions of unlikely scenarios. You start to misread people’s intentions and begin to find malice in the most innocent comments. And this constant overflow of mistrust prevents meaningful relationships from forming and thriving, even when they otherwise would.
Moreover, did you know that loneliness feeds off of and produces negative mental health effects? It can make you anxious, stressed, and depressed. It can make you suffer from low self-esteem and sleep problems. In short, it thrives on a toxic cocktail of issues that themselves feed off of and produce other debilitating issues.
And did you know that loneliness is actually a painful experience? The same part of our brain responsible for feeling physical pain activates whenever we feel the emotional pain of loneliness. This reaction is thought to be a remnant from prehistoric times. Back then, finding yourself alone was almost certainly a death sentence.
Perhaps worst of all is that loneliness has been found to be contagious. Researchers and experts are even going so far as to call it an epidemic.
How is Loneliness Born?
I think it’s important to establish, first and foremost, that being lonely is different than being alone. Samuel Leighton-Dore differentiates the two in this Thought Catalog article.
To summarize, loneliness is not determined by physical isolation. In fact, there are people like “Snow Guardian” Billy Barr and Fire Lookout Leif Haugen who have chosen their unusual jobs for the very reason that it gives them unparalleled peace.
No, loneliness is a subjective feeling. It’s not being alone; it’s the feeling that you’re alone.
Loneliness has many different causes, which vary from person to person.
A variety of circumstances and situations can make us feel lonely. It arrives in the wake of stress, change, and loss. When met with little to no form of a support system, nearly anything we go through can result in feelings of loneliness.
Sometimes loneliness has already taken hold of you and you don’t even notice it. This is because it cleverly disguises itself as something else. Susceptibility to the flu and the common cold, for instance. A weakened immune system may be your body’s way of telling you that your social needs aren’t being met.
Irritability, tiredness, and materialism are other manifestations – rather than causes – of loneliness that are rooted in our need to feel comfortable, safe, and whole.
It can even be seasonal. Valentine’s Day and the winter holidays, for example, are prime time for seeking companionship. In fact, relationships have become such a large part of our concept of wintertime that it’s also known as ‘cuffing season.’
Or, like Samuel says in his article, “loneliness can come so suddenly and almost without cause.”
Solving Loneliness
In the UK, several initiatives have started to take root since the government unveiled its 2018 strategy to combat loneliness.
For Londoner Carol, something as simple as boarding a bus can help alleviate feelings of isolation. A strategy using the same idea, aptly named Chatty Bus, saw test runs in early 2019. The concept had volunteers sitting inside the bus and interacting with the passengers.
Londoner Louise Kaye started a local group called Café Conversations in response to her own feelings of loneliness when her husband developed Parkinson’s.
Homesharing has also been seen as a way to deal with the housing crisis and loneliness in the UK in one fell swoop. One popular example is this story of roommates with a 68-year gap from 2017. A more proactive recent approach has been to connect students and seniors in an effort to combat loneliness in both demographics.
In addition to local groups and individuals, GPs are also addressing the loneliness epidemic. In the UK, healthcare professionals also consult with people suffering from loneliness as part of their daily practice.
And it’s not just the UK that’s been taking big steps in dealing with loneliness. In South Korea, sexagenarians and septuagenarians are escaping isolation by joining activities like senior’s daytime disco in Seoul and cheerobics (cheerleading and aerobics) groups. The health benefits for these elderly folks are almost unbelievable. As they shrug off the devastating effects of loneliness, these hip seniors also find renewed vigor and youth in themselves.
And on the other side of the world in America, ROMEO (retired old men eating out) groups have been a way for men to socialize in old age. These are only some projects and ideas that have popped up around the world over the past couple decades.
“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
– Album Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
There are many ways to help yourself through the process of overcoming loneliness. But as with any other illness, the first step is knowing and understanding what it is and how it affects your life.
The solution to loneliness is not merely to force yourself to meet new people, instead it’s having a paradigm shift. It sounds counterintuitive, but one key to resolving your own loneliness is understanding other people’s situations. Loneliness is rooted in the misconception that people don’t want you around. It’s based on doubts of how genuine other people are, and it happens in a way that permeates all interactions and signals to people that you want to be alone.
If you repeatedly reject invitations because you feel that people wouldn’t want you there anyway, people are likely to interpret that as you wanting personal space. On the other hand, if people reject your invitations, try to consider that maybe your friend is just a little preoccupied or overwhelmed at the moment but would otherwise love to spend time with you.
Putting yourself back together in the right way after a heavy fall like loneliness isn’t easy. Considering all we know about loneliness, it can easily feel like quicksand, but there is help out there for people who are suffering.
Helping Yourself Out of Loneliness
Loneliness can often feel like a catch-22. However, you have the power to break that cycle. Reaching out to anyone and relearning and bolstering your own social skills can work wonders. For starters, mental health services can help you get back on your feet and point you in the right direction.
TELL Japan, for example, offers both telephone chat and online chat services for people, especially those in crisis, who need help. TELL’s team of support workers will listen to your concerns without prejudice. Sometimes all we really need is someone to listen and to hear what we have to say and it can make a world of difference. Another service, Befrienders Worldwide, offers the same type of support. If you are currently struggling, especially with suicidal thoughts, we highly encourage you to use any of the available mental health services to help yourself.
TELL Japan Lifeline: 03-5774-0992 (9:00 am–11:00 pm)
Befrienders Worldwide: 03-5286-9090
But that’s not all. TELL Japan also offers counseling services with flexible fees. They’ve even compiled pointers on how to cope with a pandemic as a resource for the present situation. Tokyo Mental Health is another counseling service who mainly serve foreign residents living in Japan. They have a roster of clinicians who specialize in different areas and speak multiple languages. Perhaps most importantly, their service is available online.
Other online services such as Better Help are also a good way to seek professional help in regaining control of yourself and your mental health. The best part is that you can access these options easily anywhere, anytime, since sessions can be held over chat, call, or video.
If you already have a network of good friends, consider having more meaningful contact with them. Chat apps and streaming services like Discord and Twitch are good ways to make or join a virtual hangout with new and old faces alike from the safety of your own home.
Other Resources:
A Munich-based animation studio, Kurzgesagt, nicely summarizes most of the points above in their video explaining loneliness. Sometimes, I find that the best way to feel better about myself is to remember what a miracle it really is to be alive. I personally recommend watching Kurzgesagt’s animation of Andy Weir’s The Egg. The story touches on the topic of how we treat and perceive other people and how that reflects upon ourselves.
- Alone in the Crowd: The Structure and Spread of Loneliness in a Large Social Network
- Loneliness, Health, and Mortality in Old Age: A National Longitudinal Study
- About Loneliness (mind.org.uk)
- Loneliness (Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell)
- The Egg (Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell)
Featured image by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
